when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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