got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
