dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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