I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
