I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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