i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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