I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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