Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
