my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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