Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
