what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
