i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
