Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Blood and glitter go together right?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
