boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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