Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
