I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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