New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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