One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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