Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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