i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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