im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
