well I can't set my house on fire every night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
