he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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