Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
