Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
