Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
