someone get that fucking seahorse.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
