well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
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Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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