If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
