hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
