when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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