Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
