You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
