i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
