did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
