it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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