This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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