He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
