I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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