If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
