WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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