You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
