my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just had sex on a roof
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
