If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
PANTIES FOUND
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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