he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
