I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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