when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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