How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
