allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
