No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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