peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
