i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
