Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
